Give me Real, Don't Give me Fake

Christina Black
Alice Sockwell
Lindsay Etheredge
Micah Sherman
Emily Johnson
Emily Ferguson
Charles Gross
Willis
Bumass
Karyn Campbell
Graham Banfield
Ben Perry
Lauren Dake
Heather Rabe
Brian Markle
Dalton Rose
James Hubly
Kiley Dhatt
Abbey Barnard
Lindsay Kremkau
Amelia Kent
Tim Rigler
LJ Baxter
Anthoney Macintosh
Patrick Bradshaw
Kim Sawtelle
Evan Brand
Chelsea Gallegos

Sometimes i think this cycle never ends
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
And it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
The squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.

But if i move my place in line i'll lose.
And i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

Sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect
The twists and turns of plots that turned us from lovers to friends
I'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
And crack it's weary spine and read to help remind myself

But if i move my place in line i'll lose.
And I have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.

I am waiting for something to wrong
I am waiting for familiar resolve
I am waiting for another repeat
Another diet fed by crippling defeat
And i am waiting for that sense of relief
I am waiting for you to flee the scene
As if you held in your hand the smoking gun
And on the floor lay the one you said you loved.

And it's strange
Cause they're all basically the same
So i don't ask names anymore.

-Death Cab For Cutie
Expo 86

ahh beep. i went swimming. TODAY. December 13th... what the fuuuck florida, you ridiculous state. So, semester's over and i have no idea what my grades are gonna look like. i mean i know theyre not gonna be good, i just dont know how bad theyre going to be. the worst part is i really only did bad in ONE class, but i did REAL bad. bad enough to drag my GPA wayyy down despite A's/B's in my other classes. but i guess the part thats even worse than that is that i dont give a shit. i mean im dissapointed that i destroyed my GPA and im used to getting decent grades so i do feel a little weird about possibly failing a class, but overall i dont have any regrets. i dont know if this is because my apathy has finally consumed me entirely, or if it was just a shitty class or if i just had an off semester, adjusting to a new place and everything. this semester has been really weird because i havent been unhappy, i mean for the most part i had a pretty easy life these past 4 monthes but i just feel like i am constantly waiting for something to HAPPEN. but i felt like this while i was in panama too, and it was freakin PANAMA! does nothing excite me anymore or have i just inflated my standards to an unrealistic point? i think thats a big part of why i like weed so much... it just KILLS boredom and no matter what the circumstance, whether it's been weeks or hours since the last time i have smoked, the thought of getting stoned is always exciting. a guaranteed good time. when i put down on paper (computer?) that sounds like such a ridiculous addict/stoner comment, but its the damn truth. and anyone that doesn't know what its like to be stoned would probably say something like, "i think you have a problem, you're subsituting pot for something that is missing in your life" (jesus perhaps?) but the shit works! hahah, i mean im not actively smoking pot because im unhappy in my sober life... thats just the thing, im not unhappy or depressed when im sober and i dont ever have any physical cravings for weed or anything like that. i think thats the funniest part of smoking pot... it's always your sober self that decides to smoke. people always talk about how being stoned impairs your judgement, and that may or may not be true but it's never your stoned-self that make the decision to smoke or not. i think the reason weed is such a controversial drug is because its an ambiguous drug. it has more side-effects than say asprin but it also doesn't change your personality or anything like that. i mean there are times when i have been so drunk that i dont even remember the things i said or did and when people tell me i am SHOCKED. its not even that the things i did were shocking its just that it doesnt seem like something i would ever do. but thats not the case with weed, i mean there are some changes i guess. you laugh more, you state the obvious more, you talk a little more slowly, you think your ideas are incredible but its still all YOU. and furthermore or at least its the case for me, i LIKE my stoned personality! its me with my better qualities enhanced and my worst dumbed down. the indians (yes INDIANS, fuck "native-american" thats so much more condescending, please) knew what was up, and i love them for being crazy enough to say, "I think I'm gonna smoke this plant." Thanks guys.

im sober,
chel

Current Mood: mellow

Well, we made weed cookies.

I ate 2.5 around 11pm... it's now almost 4am, and I am just still SOOO high. The rest of my roomates went crazy then passed out but i just keep getting progressively more stoned. It is weird, buuuut I did watch Jurrasic Park & Twister on TNT, so boo-yah!

The end.

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.


Joel: I don't see anything I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementime: Okay
Joel: Okay
[Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Charlie Kaufman]

Charlie: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.
Donald: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.
Charlie: I know. And you were flirting with her.And she was really sweet to you.
Donald:I remember that.
Charlie: Then when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. It was like they were laughing at me. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.
Donald:I knew. I heard them.
Charlie: How come you looked so happy?
Donald:I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.
Charlie: She thought you were pathetic.
Donald: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.
[Adaptation, Charlie Kaufman]

The thing that amazes me most about Charlie Kaufman is how his characters can make me feel equally hopefull and hopeless in a single instant regarding love.

Feel the Love Generation.

Going to Sasquatch. KILL ME RIGHT NOW. Sasquatch is one of the highlights of my year, sadly, this year I will be thousands of miles away, salavating at the mouth as I fantasize myself being there.

In other tragic news Jon Brion has recently been diagnosed with Tendinitus and he has had to cancel all his shows for several upcoming monthes. As of right now it is unknown when he will be able to play again. The doctor attributed the tendinitus to "obsessive playing of the piano/guitar among other instruments"- that is secretly an amazing way to go down if u have to go down. It is just SAD tho, he is a poopface amazing composer/musician and he is still effing young, not even close to his prime.

Poopface disappointed with the da vinci code movie. I read the book and enjoyed it quite a bit. I will never hail Dan Brown as an amazing writer because he isn't. He keeps you turning the pages for sure but he is just SHAMELESS with his conventions in order to keep it suspensefull. Just a ridiculous cliffhanger at every new chapter and poopface cheesy one-liners. He did manage to fuse in tons of interesting facts and little known historical antecdotes tho and I will give him credit for that. The movie tho is just SHIT compared to the book and while it does stick to the general plot the tone/attidute of the movie is just WATERED DOWN and conservatized (made up that word? probably). It took the theory that the book proposed quite convincingly and then changed the attitudes of the characters that supported it in the book. In the book all of the main characters are quite confident in the truth of the theory and as they experience more it only becomes more convincing to them. In the movie there is only one main character that actually totally beleives the theory and they portray him as an obsessive madman and even villainize him. It's weird- the preview made you beleive that the movie was going to introduce "a truth that could shake the very foundation of christianity", and they do introduce it but then they just make the main characters question it so insessantly that it loses all credibilty. I do think I would be pissed if I were Dan Brown. It's like they tricked him into signing on and then they sabatoged all the work he did to make the theory so convincing. The screenplay dialogue is PWUP so i will never blame the actors, although McKellen is actually pretty good. I don't know- I guess it's worth seeing but if you really want to look into the theory read the book.

Eff me, my break has just been CRAMPED with activities slash reunions and yet there are still so many fucking people that I haven't seen AT ALL and others that I really want to see more of. But waaaait a minute I leave Tuesday night. Right. I do think any logical person would just accept defeat and give up on trying to see everyone one last time before leaving because in reality the opportunity to spend any real time with friends I've yet to see has just been fucked by lack of time. I do hate that! And I do think I'm just sabotaging the trip by trying to cram it all in because i do have a fucking desire to see these people but if i just squeeze them in it will probably mean like an hour of rushed conversation which isnt satisfying enough but if i dont see them i will just be GUILTY and disappointed. What i really need to do is just relax and enjoy the time I have here... but how often do I do the things that I "really" need be doing? I am going to be POOPFACE sad when I have to leave Panama in August. It hit me when I left this last time, just "oh shit, next time I do this it'll be for good" (or at least for a good long undetermined amount of time). i will cry. My family is amazing. They are also annoying and tend to fucking over-react in a ridiculous manner, but their amazingness supersedes all that. We watched Footloose/Magnolia togeth and then played a heated match of Clue. It was basically all I could ask for. When I get back to Panama summer semester will already been in full force. GROSSSSS. I am skipping the first few days of classes (because they dont count attendances during drop/add week, fucking LOOPHOLE bitches!) so that I could spend a few extra days here, but when i get home it will just be a fucking RUDE awakening. Just SCHOOL in my face and fucking classes already under way. Slash we are getting a new roommate, that'll be interesting. I heart my house/housemates but we did have a SHIT roommate first semester but then she failed out of school so she was eliminated and we were left with the perfect mixture of people for an effing happy house. I am curious slash nervous to see how the dynamics will adjust with the newbie. I have just been TIRED since I've been home. But in a normal way. I do think I'm just finally experiencing what a healthy person feels: tiredness around midnight and waking up naturally after a good 8 hour block of sleep but it does feel abnormal to me because i am just used to going to bed at like 5am and sleeping for a few hours and then falling asleep again at 7pm and sleeping for a few more hours. i dont know if its the jet lag, or the fucking allergies (which are TERRIBLE here, goddamn!) or the weather adjustment but I have just been sleeping like a normal person since i've been home. Fucking dreading the travel back to panama.... haaaaate airports/planes. but they are amazing for people watching, and thats probably my most favorite thing to do.

freshman year? fucking finished! it does feel amazing even though I'm gonna have poop grades this semester.

Today has been a day of random TV movies. The first of which being "The Passion of the Christ". No, I never fucking saw it slash never had the desire to when it came out. But anyways, I came upon it halfway through and could only understand half of the dialog since the subtitles were of course in Spanish so i cant even make a fair criticism but really, it was just bloody. I remember when everyone talked about how gruesome it was- and they weren't fucking lying. This was STUPIDLY excessive. It was to the point that it actually failed because at first you're like "Ohh shit, this guy is getting the shit beat outta him" then you're like "fuck, this is hard to watch" then you're like "ok, this is just ridiculous now". There is so much violence that it goes from shocking you, to disgusting you, to desensitizing you all in one movie (which was basically just an hour long scene of torture). By the time he was actually being crucified I just didn't even empathize because I had already seen so much (hey satan!). I called my mom so we could check in on eachothers lives and she asked me what I was doing for Easter and I just kept telling her nothing and then she was like "why don't you go to church with Mary?" and I was like "Because I'm not religious, so church means nothing to me." Then she said "Well fine, then don't eat any Easter candy if you don't beleive in the holiday" and I said "ok, then don't expect any Xmas presents since you don't beleive in santa claus". then we had a discussion about "faith" and how its impossible to teach someone to have faith, and so she told me that one day something might happen in my life (a sign from god) that will induce faith in me. we hung up and i turned on the TV and a movie called "Jesus, nuestra senor" was on... it was basically EXACTLY the same as Passion of the Christ (but it was made long before and it was actually filmed in spanish). I realize it is the exact same storyline from the exact same source but honestly, they were RIDICULOUSLY the same and I did wonder if Mel Gibson stole some of his shit. then i started thinking that it was really funny that i never watch movies about god/jesus and that tonight i had seen 2 in the matter of 2 hours (but thats actually not a coincidence at all since its good friday) anyways, sarcastically, i said out loud... "this must be that sign my mother was talking about"- then the phone rang. i picked it up and answered "God?" - it was my mom. she said "what?" i explained the 2 jesus movies in one night coincidence and asked her if she thought that might be him trying to get through to me, she said "no i dont think so, its too commercial. it will be something bigger than that." -- i was STUNNED at her lack of sarcastic radar. so i said, "oh my GOD, i was kidding" and she goes "i thought so"... then i felt kind of bad. whatevz.
the third tv movie i came upon after switching from "Jesus, nuestra senor" was "Before Sunset" with Ethan Hawke and and Julie Delpy. I'll be honest, I've never heard of this movie or of the one that preceded it (Before Sunrise) slash i didn't even know it was a sequel until I looked it up on IMDB. but i looked up the little INFO section on the TV guide and it said it was directed by Richard Linklater, who i knew from "Dazed and Confused" which I did love (slash found out he also did School of Rock which i also enjoyed for what it was worth); so i started watching it. I came in about 5 mins into the movie and the two characters were mid conversation. they were walking along the streets of paris, in the middle of the day, and i quickly put together that the last time they had seen eachother was 9 years prior when they had a one night love affair in Vienna (which i assume was the plot of "Before Sunrise"). anyways, i kept on waiting for the scene to change to a flash back, or another character that i hadnt met yet or something, but it NEVER did the ENTIRE movie. the entire movie is an hour and half conversation between the two characters with the camera simply moving along with them as they walk around different parts of paris. i still cant decide if i liked it or not but i was definitely captivated by the dialog. it almost seemed improved- but i mean it was the WHOLE fucking movie. i had to pee and i didnt even want to get up to go because the conversation was so fast paced slash intricate. i really cant decide if i liked the movie because it felt more like i was just eavesdropping in on someones conversation rather than actually watching a movie, but i definately did like a lot of what the characters had to say about relationships and love and stuff, so props to the writers (linklater/kim krizan). and apparently it was nominated for an oscar/WGA for best screenplay. i dont think i would have liked it had i seen the first movie, but there is no need to see the first movie, it works just fine on it's own.

anyways, its 647 am. and i havent gone to bed yet? why? because i am ridiculous. on wednesday night i went to bed at 6am, on thursday night 7am and tonight 647am i guess.

oh! i was just thinking about that fucking meteor that landed (or burned up, whatever) in washington last year, or like 2 years ago or something. it happened in middle of the night and turned the fucking sky to daylight. i HATE how lightly that was taken. slash, i will never forget about that but it seems like everyone in the northwest made a HUGE deal about it for one day and then just never mentioned it again. its a conspiracy MIB style and everyones memory was erased with their flashy thingies but i was wearing will smith's sunglasses that night so i am the only one who remembers it? im crazy.

make that 650am.

Current Music: pedro the lion- indian summer

Hahah, the title of this entry is mos definitely from the overly dramatic scene in "She's All That" in which Zach Siler (Freddie Prinze Jr) juggles a hacky-sac with his feet on stage at an "abstract live art show". Speaking of good ole Fred slash teen movies, how frickin' many of them was he in anyway? Let's see there was She's All That, Head Over Heals, Down to You, Summer Catch, Boys and Girls... and the I Know What You Did Last Summer(s) if you count those. That is just ridiculous. I do secretly miss all those teen movies tho. Yeah, they are terrible but SO fun to watch in groups. I don't know if it's just because I'm not in junior high anymore so I don't pay attention to the teen movies that come out but it does seem like my generation got the BULK of the ridiculous (yet amazing) teen flicks. There were all the ones with freddie prinze plus Whatever It Takes, Crazy For You, A Walk To Remember, Crossroads, How to Deal, Josie and the Pussycats... God, I know there are so many more too. Recently there was Mean Girls, A Cinderella Story, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen... i dont know maybe more but it does seem like our generation had soo many teen movies. slash i do feel terrible for the kids that are at the cartoon age right now because our generation had the BEST cartoon/nickelodeon shows. fuck it, i'm gonna list that shit just to reminisce. Let's see Cartoon wise there was...
Smurfs
Duck Tails
Looney Toones
Captain Planet
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Bobby's World
Pinky and the Brain
Ren and Stimpy
Rocko's Modern Life
Ahh! Real Monsters
Doug
Rugrats
Tale Spin
Care Bears
My Little Pony
Magic School Bus
Sitcom slash Nickelodeon...
Full House
Blossom
Family Matters
Step-by-Step
Boy Meets World
Growing Pains
Fresh Prince of Bell-Air
Ghostwriter
Wishbone
Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?
Power Rangers
Saved by the Bell
SNICK
Are You Affraid of the Dark?
Salute Your Shorts
The Secret World of Alex Mack
All That
The Keanan and Kel Show
Clarissa Explains it All
Flash Forward
Legends of the Hidden Temple
Dinosaurs
The Adventures of Pete and Pete
Hangin with Mr. Cooper
Bill Nye the Science Guy
Mr. Rogers
Doogie Houser
Nick @ Nite? Wonder Years, I love Lucy, Happy Days

i am RIDICULOUS. that was the most ridiclous tangent of my life.

Anyways, I am fat. haha, i realize that is an awkward thing to say but that is just how i feel right now. I mean it's not like i've ever forgotten about being fat but you know sometimes you just dont think about it or sometimes ur even just content with how u look but then other times it suddenly just HITS you and ur like "oh shit, I'm fat (or ugly, or acnified or what not)" and i am just STUCK in the fat mode right now. i do think it has a lot to do with the fact that i am being intimate with someone that i have a crush on. this is the stupidest part, i have lost some weight recently. Not enough weight for people to even notice but enough for my skin to loosen up a bit so now when i lay on my back i just feel flabby/saggy. In reality I dont think Robbie would even care that much because he isn't superficial and I do think he likes me for me but still when I think about this stuff too much it just ruins me. And I do hate it because the next time we are together I know I will just be paranoid that he is grossed out or something. Ah! I'm just hoping this feeling passes soon.

Well, hopefully everyone enjoyed my juant down memory lane before I killed the mood.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Coldplay- Don't Panic